The Chronicles of Mistybutt
by cynsa bonorris

     "Oh, that this too, too soggy butt would melt
     thaw, and resolve itself into a dew..."

It's after nightfall, and you are about to head home after having a nice
visit with a friend. Suddenly, as you prepare to mount your bike, you
realize that with the coming of night, condensation has conspired with the
Elements to give you a nasty case of Mistybutt.

The perils of mistybutt cannot be denied. Whether it's a mild case,
resulting in a butt that is merely damp, or a severe case, in which the
whole butt area is saturated, no motorcyclist can avoid mistybutt
altogether. It's an affliction and a curse, and its consequences are
manifold:


  1. Even a mildly damp butt can cause a rider to become irritable and
     cranky, thus making her/him lose patience even more readily with the
     Four-Wheeled Vermin (4WV) and perhaps, in this frustrated state,
     taking risks s/he might not normally take.
  2. Makes the ride home chillier. In cases of saturated butt, unless steps
     are taken to reacclimatize the butt after reaching your destination,
     the chill can lead to a cold or worse.
  3. Chafing.
  4. In cases of wet butt or saturated butt, your affliction might be
     noticeable, leading to embarrassing misapprehensions.
  5. Hyperfertility due to testicular cooling (males).
  6. Long-time riders, especially those residing in fog-prone cities, run
     the risk of contracting hemorrhoids.

But what steps might we take to avoid this insidious condition?

   * Keep a shop rag tucked in your bungee net or saddle bags.
   * Avoid parking in high altitudes.
   * Get in the habit of grabbing a paper towel whenever you're ready to
     hit the road after nightfall.
   * Move to the Equator.
   * Wear heated longjohns; or
   * Rubber panties.

It is impossible, however, to prepare for every contigency. In the spirit
of scientific inquiry, I have kept the following chronicles of my trials
with the dread affliction.


25 Jan 94

I was saved this evening from a particularly nasty case of mistybutt by a
good friend who had the foresight to move my bike into his garage.

Lucky butt.


29 Jan 94

I've been pondering my overweening pride as a motorcyclist. I look at the
puny 4W vermin and think how godlike I am. And yet, it is the motorcycle
which is godlike, and what glory it imparts it may take away in a breath,
leaving me with a soggy bottom.
So it was, today


2 Feb 94

In a related incident, yesterday I rediscovered the woes of squishyglove.
My hands were so sopping I had to wring out my gloves at the lights. Now, I
know I should buy some real gloves, instead of wearing my $16 suede gloves,
but every time I go glove shopping I am dismayed at the extremely high
price of deerskin; also, they never have my size or they put those stupid
studs on the top for decorative purposes (studs on the palms would be ok)
or they only have them in BLUE! RED! and WHITE! or they are gauntlets that
reach halfway up my elbows so I can't bend my arms.

End of rant.

No, wait, I'm not done yet: then, even if I bought them, I'd have to worry
incessantly about losing them, or only losing one of them and then I'd have
this incredibly expensive, unmatchable, totally useless glove hanging out
in my apartment because I couldn't bear to throw it away so what is the
point? I ask you.


14 Feb 94

All wet butt today. I'm chafing where I sit.


4 Mar 94

oh to be misty
my butt in the evenings
doth strive

but oh! how a shoprag
in the glad hand of a friend
averts fate


17 Mar 94

Today I saw a beemer with a shaggy seat cover and thought "Eureka!"
Only I don't know how I'd feel about sitting on a sheep. I mean a BMW.


27 Mar 94

On a night such as this
when the dew does not adhere
nor the mists befog
my butt

I speed lightly through the streets
and summon capricious spring
while the bugs bespeckle
my teeth


20 May 94

Lately I have been wondering: why are vinyl and leather more prone to mist
accumulation? Do they hold the heat better and convect it slowly
afterwards, thus condensing more water vapor? Is it out of sheer perverse
will to see my butt mistified?


1 Jun 94

Am considering the possibility of a crushed velvet seat cover.


6 Jun 94

 Requiem for My Butt

In that first cold moment
as the wet    sliced
through the weft,

I felt the frigid bite
as a deft     knife
keen as death.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
copyright ©1994 by cynsa@well.com